"Oh, this is wonderful,"
says the school teacher to St. Peter, "Is
this where I'll be staying?"
"No, this is the doctors' area," replied St. Peter.
They continue the journey
and come to another beautiful neighborhood.
Again everyone is outside
socializing. People are on tennis courts,
swimming in pools, etc.
"My, this IS paradise," gushed the teacher,
"Is this my neighborhood?"
"No, no, the teacher's area is next."
They move on among the clouds
until they reach and equally beautiful
neighborhood, but no one
is outside. No one is visible anywhere and
the houses appear to be
closed and empty.
"Well, here we are," said
St. Peter with a smile, "Isn't this a fine
place to be?"
"Yes," replied the teacher
with noticeable disappointment in her
voice.
"Don't many teachers make it to heaven? I don't see anyone else here?"
"Sure, we get lots of teachers.
Don't worry they'll all be here
tomorrow. They're just
down in hell for another inservice."
TOP
From: "Wanda S Jones" <wjones@goodnet.com>
.Twas
the Night Before School Starts
Twas the Night Before School
Starts
from Ron Yorgason
T'was the night before school
starts
And all through the place,
Not a smile was seen
On any kid's face.
Our bags were all stuffed
With our notebooks brand
new,
And rulers and pencils
With erasers to chew.
Mournfully we
All crawled into bed,
Knowing too well
That the 'good life' was
dead.
Then mom came in whistling
And kissed us goodnight,
With a bright cheery voice
That didn't seem right.
The night dragged on slowly
I just couldn't sleep,
For fear that my math teacher
Would be a real creep.
Or maybe a bully
Would give me a shove,
Or even more evil things
Than I could think of.
When from in the next room
There arose such a clamber,
My mom yelled, "I'm FREE!"
"I'm free 'till next summer!"
This must be a plot
By conspiring moms,
Who just want a break
To experience 'calm.'
Oh, must I go through it?!
How can I go on?
I want to escape
Run off to Saigon!
Nine months is too long
To suffer through school
The classes so rough
And teachers who're cruel.
"Come Donald! Come Conner!
Come Henry VanStation!
Come up to the board,
Do your multiplication!"
"And Julie, stop talking!
And Jimmy, wake up!
And Mary, right now,
Don't do your makeup!"
Teachers ever are hounding
They just never quit.
You do something wrong,
They go into a fit.
And so every year
About this same time,
I lie in bed sleepless
And just moan and whine.
Until morning comes,
And I hear my mom say,
"Good luck with your school!
And have a nice day!"
TOP
Job
Responsibility
"Let me see if I've got
this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those
kids, and fill their every waking moment with a
love for learning.
Not only that, I'm to instill
a sense of pride in
their ethnicity, behaviorally
modify disruptive behavior, and observe
them for signs of abuse.
I am to fight the war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases,
check their backpacks for guns
and raise their self-esteem.
I'm to teach them patriotism,
good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair
play, how and where to
register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how
to apply
for a job, but I am never
to ask if they are in this country illegally.
I am to check their heads
occasionally for lice, maintain a safe
environment, recognize
signs of potential antisocial behavior,
offer advice, write letters
of recommendation for student
employment and scholarships,
encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of
others, and, oh yeah, teach,
always making sure that I give the girls in my
class fifty percent of
my attention.
I'm required by my contract
to be working on my own time (summers
and evenings) and at my
own expense towards additional
certification, advanced
certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the
cheerleaders or the sophomore
class (my choice) and after school. I am to
attend committee and faculty
meetings and participate in
staff development training
to maintain my current certification and
employment status.
I am to be a paragon of
virtue larger than life, such
that my very presence will
awe my students into being obedient
and respectful of authority.
I am often given "advise" on how to
do my job by every person
ever to have gone to school before
and I am to do it
with just a piece of chalk, a few books
and a bulletin board, and
on a starting salary that qualifies my
family for food stamps
in many states.
Is that all?"
TOP
Sue NZ
RULES
FOR TEACHERS 1915.
You will NOT marry during
the term of your contract.
You are NOT to keep company
with men.
You MUST be home between
the hours of 8pm and 6am unless attending a school function.
You MAY NOT loiter downtown
in ice cream stores.
You MAY NOT travel beyond
the city limits without the permission of the chairman of the board.
You MAY NOT ride in a carriage
or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You MAY NOT smoke cigarettes
You MAY NOT dress in bright
colors.
You may UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
dye your hair.
You must wear AT LEAST
two petticoats.
Your dresses must NOT be
any shorter than two inches above the ankle
DUTIES
To keep the schoolroom clean
you must: -
sweep the floor at least
once daily.
Scrub the floor with hot
soapy water at least once a week.
Start the fire at 7 am.
So that the room will be warm by 8 am
TOP
You
Might be in Education if,,,
1. You believe the
staff room should be equipped with a Vellum salt lick.
2. You find humor
in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap
the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8-3 and
have your summers free."
4. You believe chocolate
is a food group.
5. You can tell if
it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow
gene pool" should have its own box on the report
card.
7. You believe the
unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,
the kids are sure mellow
today."
8. When out in public,
you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
9. You have no time
for a life from August through June.
10. Putting all "A's on
a report card would make your life SO much easier.
11. When you mention "vegetables,"
you are not talking about a food group.
12. You think people should
be required to get a government permit before
being allow to reproduce.
13. You believe in the
aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You encourage
a parent to check into home schooling.
15. You believe no one
should be permitted to reproduce without having taught
in a middle school for
at least five years.
16. You can't have children
because there isn't any name you can hear that
wouldn't elevate your blood
pressure.
17. You think caffeine
should be available to staff in IV form.
18. Meeting a child's parents
instantly answers the question, "Why is this
kid like that?"
19. Your personal life
comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
TOP
First
Grade Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected
old, well known proverbs. She gave
each kid in her class the
first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest.
These are great:
As You Shall Make Your Bed
So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than...
Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug
Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before...
Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The
Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To
Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That...
Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A...
Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old
Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The
Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than
The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The
Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's...
Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who...
Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not
Much.
Two's Company, Three's...
The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow
What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World
Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have
To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As...
Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen
And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something
What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth
The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like...
Aunt Eddie.
Received from Luz Platzer.
TOP
HOW
TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REAL TEACHER
Real teachers grade papers
in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and
(at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
Real teachers cheer when
they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers drive older
cars owned by credit unions.
Real teachers clutch a
pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
Real teachers can't walk
past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit
down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed
necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
Real teachers are written
up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
Real teachers have been
timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers
can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict
exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
Real teachers volunteer
for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
Real teachers never teach
the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
Real teachers know it is
better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
Real teachers know the
best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
Real teachers never take
grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
Real teachers never assign
research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.
Real teachers know the
shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to
the office.
Real teachers can "sense"
gum.
Real teachers know the
difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what
probably should never again see the light of day.
Real teachers are solely
responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
Real teachers have their
best conferences in the parking lot.
Real teachers have never
heard an original excuse.
Real teachers buy Excedrin
and Advil at Sam's.
Real teachers will eat
anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
Real teachers never plan
discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.
Real teachers have the
assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
Real teachers know secretaries
and custodians run the school.
Real teachers know the
rules don't really apply to them.
Real teachers hear the
heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students,
not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.
TOP
YOU
KNOW YOU TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOL IF...
...you empty your pockets
at night and find
1. two used hall passes
2. one unused bus pass
3. a pencil stub
4. no money (you spent
your change in the faculty room candy stash)
5. a note with a drawing
of Satan and two expletives that needed deleting
...you brag to your spouse
about how many parent phone calls you got done today
...your relatives refuse
to attend one of your parties if "it's going to be mostly teachers" because
they all talk shop
...you keep trying those
techniques that were recommended by experts during the latest pendulum
swing
... you walk the halls
of your building and unconsciously pick up litter
... you are irritated by
adults who chew gum in public
... your spouse surreptitiously
reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day
... you plan your seating
chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones
... you have seen firsthand
what gum wrappers and pennies can do to a floppy disk drive
... you write your name
conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking
tape, your textbook, and your chair.
... you sometimes choose
to pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible to everyone
else who was in the room
... you know what your
classroom door sounds like when slammed mightily
... you have classroom
rules about where people may put their feet
... you know what the ventilation
fan in your room sounds like when whirling small objects, usually folded
paper or wrappers
... your librarian cringes
when you sign up your class
... you tell subtle jokes
in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch on
... your class gladly acknowledges
that they watch Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell and MTV but tell you they
haven't time to look at something by PBS during prime time
... you despise Halloween
candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy
... your students prefer
current events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and
demonic possession
... one of your students
writes to Congress (on your nickel) to complain about some cigarette butts
thrown into a local lake
... you still can't believe
you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding whether Beanie
Babies should be allowed in class
... you know at least three
ways to remove objectionable doodles from textbooks so the next user will
not be offended
... your team goes out
for dinner to celebrate the news that your biggest headache is moving to
another district
... you clean desks yourself
just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale
... a mother calls to chew
you out because you have ignored her son's project only to learn from you
that it must be the one that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the
words "Whose? Is this yours?" written above it.
... your colleagues claim
you inspected a blank student agenda in study hall and said, "Let me guess:
All your teachers have been absent for the last month and a half."
TOP
NEW
SUGGESTED COMMENTS ON REPORT CARDS:
Since our last conference,
this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His friends would follow
him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this
student to breed.
This student is really
not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth,
it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his
depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions
of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards
and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This student is depriving
a village somewhere of an idiot.
This student should go
far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but
lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus--144
times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long
time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers,
but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting
with him sometime.
He's been working with
glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy
whenever he leaves the room.
When his I.Q. reaches 50,
he should sell.
If you see two people talking
and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but
with the lens cover glued on.
Donated his brain to science
before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights
are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Had two brains: one is
lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid,
he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny
for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough
to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that
he beat out 1,000,000 other _____ and made it to conception.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from a fountain
of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 11/2 hours to
watch 60 minutes.
His wheel is turning, but
the hamster is dead.
TOP
Two
Teacher Funnies
from : Scott
The children had all been
photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room
rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Tryingto make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."
A big smile and thank you
to
Scott for sharing this
with me and allowing me to share it with you!
TOP
Attention
Children:
The Bathroom Door is Closed.
Please do not stand here
and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. Yes, it is locked.
I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left
it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was
afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's
been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. Do not ask me how long I will be.
I will come out when I am done. Do not bring the phone to the bathroom
door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling She's in the BATHROOM!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. Do not stick your little fingers
under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two. Do not
slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this
got a little tiresome. If you have followed me down the hall talking, and
are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk
away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you
when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
TOP
If
I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first,
and the house later.
I'd finger paint more and
point fingers less.
I would do less correcting
and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my
watch,
and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less
and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and
fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious,
and seriously play.
I would run through more
fields
and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and
less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in
the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often
and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the
love of power,
And more about the power
of love.
TOP
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance
of mine who is a physician told this story about her then
four-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car
seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. 'Be still,
my heart!' thought my friend. 'My daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?"
TOP
A
WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little
girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked
her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No,
you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought
about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play
with him?"
THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached
four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb,
though his mother had tried
everything from bribery to reasoning to painting
it with lemon juice to
discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats,
warning her son that, "If
you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is
going to blow up like a
balloon." Later
that day, walking
in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting
on a bench. The four-year-old
considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke
to her saying, "Uh-oh ...
I know what you've been doing."
SO KEEP THE SINGING
DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school
teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And
why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
THE PRESSED LEAF
A little boy opened
the big and old family Bible with fascination, he
looked at the old pages
as he turned them. Then something fell out of the
Bible and he picked up
and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a
tree that has been pressed
in between pages. "Momma, look what I found!" the
boy called out. "What have
you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With
astonishment in the young
boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
TOP
Barney
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.
as the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope,
he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The
little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue
depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do
you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a
stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart
beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney's on my underpants."
TOP
Discouraged?
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to
watch a local Little League baseball game that was
being played in a park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first base line, I
asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're
behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with
a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be
discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet,"
TOP
KIDS
QUOTES
Never trust a dog to watch
your food.
Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and
asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Unknown kid
Never tell your mom her
diet's not working.
Michael, 14
Never pee on an electric
fence.
Robert, 13
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9
Don't pull dad's finger
when he tells you to.
Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at
your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year
old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath
even after eating a tic tac.
Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster
and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts.
Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start
out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good
to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister
when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10
When you get a bad grade
in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13
Never, ever, try to baptize
a cat.
Eileen,
TOP
YOU
KNOW YOUR A MOM WHEN
1. You count the sprinkles
on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You have time to shave
only one leg at a time.
3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
4. Your kid throws-up and you catch it.
5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
7. As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
8. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
9. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
10. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
11. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
12. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
13. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
14. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
15. You say at least once
a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade
it for anything."
TOP
TRUTHS
ABOUT PARENTING
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man
when the marks he wants to leave on the
world have nothing to do
with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live
long enough to be a problem to your
children.
- Be nice to your kids,
for it is they who will choose your nursing
home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like
having a bowling alley installed in your
brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like
his father, that's heredity; if he looks
like a neighbor, that's
environment.
- If you have trouble getting
your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse
a child than it once did to educate
his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers
that the day will come when they'll
know as little as their
parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not
enough, but two children can be far too
many.
- You can learn many things
from children... like how much patience
you have.
- Summer vacation is a time
when parents realize that teachers are
grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity
is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to
get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to
do it
- There would be fewer problems
with children if they had to chop
wood to keep the television
set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
John invited his mother
over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how
beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the
evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there
was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did'
take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John."
Several days later, John
received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you
'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with
Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom."
TOP
THE
THINGS YOU LEARN FROM KIDS
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox
makes smoke - lots of it.
A six year old can start
a fire with a flint rock even though a forty year old man says they can
only do it in the movies.
If you spray hair spray
on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
A 4 year olds' voice is
louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash
over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound
boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on
ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs
up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling
fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a
hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even
double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
A magnifying glass can
start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as
home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds
enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
Lego's will pass through
the tract of a 4 year old. Duplo's will not.
Play Dough And microwave
should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGuyver can teach us many
things we won't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
No matter HOW much Jell-O
you put in a pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like
Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J
sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make
good parachutes.
Neither do embroidered
bed sheets.
Marbles in gas tanks make
a lot of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven
before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
Always look in the dryer
before using it.
A 4 year old can break
an arm in a rotating dryer.
The fire department in
Charleston has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing
machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make
cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their
body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily
mean there's nothing to worry about.
A good sense of humor will
get you through most problems in life.
Unfortunately, mostly in
retrospect.
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